Shaun’s Story:
My journey
from a life of poverty, social exclusion and misery began when I was
referred to the local Vocational Rehabilitation Officer. A real
rarity, so I understood, in the dark days of mental health and
vocation circa 2000. I suppose my psychiatrist must have seen a
capable, intelligent person there somewhere, hidden behind all the
pain, anger and hurt. At the time, little did I know this was the
beginning of a prolonged and arduous uphill struggle! And yet this
journey was necessary to enable my recovery towards independence,
dignity and well being.
When I first
met Mark Bertram - the person who was going to play a major role in
turning my life around - I was very unwell, incomprehensibly unwell
by present standards. I was drinking almost constantly, which I am
sure played a part in my paranoia, extreme depression, violent mood
swings and a seemingly endless need and urge to hurt myself by all
known methods. I had spent a long period taking various medications
which destroyed my will to live and screwed me up no end. The result
being that I remained in bed for around 18 hours each day, too
scared to move for fear of what I might do to myself, and with very
good reason. I had become extremely isolated, withdrawn, and was
neglecting myself and my surroundings. In truth barely existing. In
my mind I was dead - both physically and emotionally - and as far as
vocation was concerned, I had well and truly retired into oblivion
and obscurity.
I cannot
clearly recall how I felt when we started looking at my vocational
options such was my distress and confusion. However I knew from
experience that an effective partnership could only happen with a
health professional possessing a warm and caring personality, and
the ability to listen, understand and move the process forward with
effective and empathic communication skills. This I found to be true
of Mark.
Each meeting
seemed very much like therapy, but I felt a ‘realness’ and an
empathy that had been sadly lacking in previous input. This was
probably the key to our successful relationship. Even though he
really tried to focus on vocation, I had so many problems to deal
with that in many ways the vocational issues felt hard to reach,
almost clouded by my distress and poor health.
One event
which nearly destroyed the whole relationship was when I saw my
medical notes. In them, Mark had told my psychiatrist that he
thought I was ‘acting out’ when I was standing on my balcony looking
over. I had indeed mentioned on many occasions the urges I
frequently had regarding jumping off balconies and the like. In
reality, he was virtually my only visitor so I was eagerly awaiting
his arrival. Even if I was feeling really bad, a visitor was better
than none. Because I believed Mark was basically a ‘good guy’ I
stuck with it. It is highly likely that if someone else with a far
less empathic manner had been assisting me, then the whole process
would have died at this point, and I would have disengaged with
potentially disastrous consequences.
When I look
back now I can really understand his worries, but at the time I felt
badly let down. To avoid this situation, get us back on the right
track, and get me out of my ill fitting cocoon, I started meeting
him at a rehabilitation centre in Brixton. This proved quite a
hassle to get to and it was in an undesirable area - as if my living
room was much better - but most of the time I felt the value of the
meetings far outweighed any negatives.
After quite a
long period of skirting around the issue, Mark found a possible work
placement in a local community rehabilitation ward. I went to have a
look, but it just so happened that I had visited this place when I’d
trained as a nurse and it brought back bad memories. Although I had
done nothing for the previous six years or so, I felt the sort of
work in question to be menial. The prospect failed to raise enough
passion in me to make it feel a worthwhile step on the ladder, so I
turned it down. Simultaneously, I felt a huge guilt that I had let
both myself and Mark down.
However, it
was made very clear to me that it was my decision and mine only. I
could see Mark getting frustrated with the lack of progress, and I
knew that he could well be under pressure from senior managers to
drop me and declare me a no-hoper and failure. He may argue that
this was never the case, but I am certain he was told this in team
meetings. Somehow, and luckily for me, the relationship continued.
Luckily a
breakthrough was soon to come, and was startling only in its own
simplicity. During the autumn of 2001 I was given a copy of a
Lambeth Mind newsletter. I was totally unaware that a local Mind
association existed within the borough, and I always felt my own
problems were so all-encompassing and utterly exhausting that the
thought of once again trying to help others was out of the question.
However, I did notice they were advertising for volunteers on their
help-line. I thought that might be good, as I had good knowledge of
mental health issues from my own experience and from my previous
nurse training. Not to mention that I could talk for Britain on the
telephone given the chance. This was a chance too good to miss.
Much to my
bemusement I was accepted, and the second part of my journey began.
The very fact that I was a user of mental health services meant my
past experiences were valued, not ridiculed, and I ‘belonged’ -
something that had not happened for a long time. Put quite simply,
once I had made the first move, found something of interest and
value, then the process afterwards was relatively straightforward. I
had stopped taking all medication about nine months before this new
beginning, so I was able to feel ‘real’ again and this volunteering
work was the cherry on the cake. I still had a number of very bad
times, but I now had some balance in my life that was previously
missing - things such as new interests, meeting intelligent, caring
individuals, and helping people. All this helped me to regain
feelings of self worth for the first time in many years.
Throughout my
time at Lambeth Mind my confidence blossomed. I took helpline skills
training courses and gradually embroiled myself in the world of
vocation through involvement in the local Vocational Providers
Forum. This was set up to engage service providers in a mutual
learning environment and find ways to enhance vocational
opportunities for service users. I remember feeling claustrophobic
and very self conscious in the first few meetings, however as Mark
was a key figure in the Forum I felt welcomed and valued. I had felt
that as a service user I would be sidelined and my views ignored.
However this was not the case because, as my confidence grew, I
realised my knowledge and intellect were equal if not greater than a
number of the professionals.
With my
confidence growing, although still experiencing some awful low days,
I decided it was time to spread my wings. I felt a great
appreciation for the support I received at Mind but still felt
restless. It was time to move on to the next stage. It had become
obvious during my time working on the help-line that vocational
issues were at the back of the queue in Lambeth, and that something
needed to happen. I was lucky enough to see an advert for the King’s
Fund Millennium Awards. I had an idea to set up an information
service for service users, carers and professionals called Vocation
Matters. Luckily my project idea met the Award criteria for
enhancing social inclusion and giving service users a say in their
own lives. I was interviewed and such was my enthusiasm I nearly
talked them out of the room.
The result
was a ‘yes’, and so began the third part of my journey. In spring
2003 I started a Leadership Development Training programme. This was
quite daunting because for the first time in nearly ten years I had
to get up early and attend a whole week of training, and then a
further seven days over the next six months. Luckily the course was
not too taxing and I developed a number of close friendships which
were mutually supportive with regards to the training.
At the same
time I had been given office space in a day centre in Brixton ran by
social services where I could base my project. It was only at this
point that I realised I was quite naïve around the issues
surrounding vocation. However I was not daunted, and with much
support the project began in earnest.
Over time the
project grew organically, but with a purpose. It was aided greatly
by the publication of the Social Exclusion Unit Report (ODPM, 2004)
which focused minds on social inclusion and vocational issues. I
developed strong working relationships with service users and
professionals alike. This was borne out by some of the written
feedback I received. For example…
“You are a great, inspiring guy
and the fact that I’ve gone all that way into voluntary work soon
after contacting you proves it”
This is one
of many, wonderful comments I received during this period. I also
had a very good response rate from evaluation forms, almost 60%
returned forms. The ethnicity of service users attending was also
very mixed, 64% were from ethnic minority backgrounds.
My knowledge,
skills and most importantly confidence have grown over the two and a
half years that I spent offering this service. This has enabled me
to move onto the final stage and pinnacle of my journey. At the time
of writing, I have been appointed as Vocational Officer and continue
with the work I have done thus far. This post is a one year contract
funded by South East London Strategic Health Authority and Choices
in Mental Health.
Whilst I am
sure there will be challenges ahead, I believe that my main personal
challenges are behind me. As the Social Exclusion Unit Report
highlighted, employment rates amongst long term users of mental
health services are very low. In Lambeth it seems virtually nil, so
I am in a very small minority. Whilst there is currently great
political emphasis on getting people with disabilities and mental
health problems off benefits and into employment, I think this
account shows just how difficult and time consuming it can be. I
have been lucky. I am fairly intelligent, and able to adapt and
learn quickly, but others may not be so. You cannot just send
someone to a Job Broker and expect them to enter the world of work
within a fortnight. Reaching this point has been for me a bit like
playing a game of snakes and ladders. Luckily I have just managed to
avoid the snakes and have had no real major setbacks, though I was
close on numerous occasions.
With this
new-found employment, I am in the position whereby I will soon be
debt free for the first time in eleven years. I can also tell
strangers my occupation. It is amazing how often, when you meet
someone new, their first question is about your job. At long last I
can tell them I am living in the real world where I ‘belong’ and
people look up to me.
I firmly
believe to this day that without the help I received, combined with
stopping medication, I would still be ‘lost’ and soulless in a
meaningless existence trapped in my own pain with only four walls as
my friend and ultimately my enemy. My story shows the real problems
faced in the journey back to the elusive world of work. It shows the
importance of a strong supportive relationship. I believe it also
shows the importance of finding work which makes you feel good about
yourself and which suits you. Although the journey has taken over
five years, it boils down to quite simple things; being enabled,
listened to and given real choices.
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